Steady Beats the Hearts of Love
by TheSparklyShoujoSociety
Summary: The best Sailor Moon fic ever written in the history of the internets is finally over! Wait, what? NO! Who lives? Who dies? Who hooks up? Read and find out!
1. Prologue

_Wow. So… this is my first fanfic. I tried to give it a little bit of everything. Romance, evil. You name it! I hope you all like it!_

_And I would like to dedicate this fic to Mamo-chan! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMO-CHAN! Can you guys believe that this year, he turned 31! SO OLD! Anyway, on to the fic :-D_

_LOVE! ME_

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Lucha Libre just wasn't what it used to be, anymore. The Luchadores were Mexican icons of truth, freedom, and justice. They were the great masked heroes that fought to right wrongs and triumph over the Mexican evil! And… for 20 pesos a head, they might just right said wrongs in a wrestling ring for pure fun and profit. Sure, it was Luchadores that were responsible for the eventual defeat of El Diablo Robotico back in the late 50's, but no one said that they also couldn't throw chairs at each other for public entertainment.

Rosa Negra missed those days. She was the latest in a long string of Luchadores – her family had been in the business of it for generations, and she followed in her father's footsteps eagerly. (It was hard not to, his feet were HUGE.) So it was that at the plucky age of 18, she left home to join an all female luchadore ring or troup or flock or whatever the official word for a group of luchadores was.

And for the first few yers, she loved it. They fought evil. They had wrestling matches. The leader of their group was a strong woman named La Cocina and all of the other girls would follow her to the ends of the earth. But recently, the fighting of evil had dried up as EVIL had apparently decided to fix its obsession on the city of Tokyo. And with only themselves to beat up upon, the girls trained and practiced until they knew each others bodies better than they knew their own. Rosa and La Cocina had grown especially close. Still, nothing was as emotionally satisfying as some good old-fashioned evil slaying. Pleasing others had always been a higher calling than pleasing themselves. They were in the entertainment industry, after all.

And so it was that one day after a match as Rosa Negra and the rest of her pride were hanging out in front of the TV. Rosa, specifically, was painting her toenails a wonderful shade of acid black using a surgical scalpel she had left over from a childhood dissection set instead of a brush (as someone, whom shall remained nameless, had stolen the cap off of her polish and this was the only thing that she could get to fit inside the tube) when La Cocina raced in.

"Girls! I have discovered evil to fight!"

Rosa was so shocked that she accidentally cut her toe off. She quickly looked for something to bandage her fut and a plastic, ice-filled bag for her toe. What she found was a white bandana and they were apparently out of ice. Oh well. It's not like she needed a pinky toe, anyway. The bleeding could wait, what with the promise of evil and all.

" Something sinister has been randomly uncovered at El Templo Mayor de Tenochtitlan! To the Wrestling Wagon! AWAY!"

Rosa tried not to bleed on the carpet.

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The the school of luchadores arrived quietly at the great temple which was giving off an oddly sinister glow. The place was completely empty, which Rosa found rather odd and unsettling when one considered that the temple was in the middle of Mexico City and that there was a museum just across the ways.

Strong Fad, a flashy female luchadore dressed in pinks and purples who was apparently the twin sister to the ruler of a small nation known as Strong Badia whom she did not like to talk about at all on account of how he was "Mean and Stupid" was the first to break the silence.

"Wow, does anyone else think it's odd that we're the only ones who noticed all these flashy green lights considering the Musmeum?"

Rosa secretly suspected that it was Strong Fad who was the true shame of her family and not any of her brothers.

La Cocina gave the source of the light a long, appraising glance. "Well, guess we should check it out. I'll go in first. If I come out, it's safe to enter. If I'm not out in 10 minutes, well, I'm dead."

Rosa and the rest of the girls were shocked to hear their leader speak this way. Truly, the threat must be bad if La Cocina was talking like this. "No!" she yelled out. "We'll all go in togheter! We're a team!"

"No, Rosa. I can't risk it. If we were to all walk in there, it would be like walking into a trap. And you all need to fight the evil if I cannot."

"But remember what you always said? Together always? Besides, I would not be able to go on if anything were to happen to you."

"Be strong, my Black Rose. For you have the heart of a true warrior. I promise that I will return to you in one piece."

And with that, La Cocina entered into the lion's den. The pod of luchadores waited outside, for any sign of their leader. 15 minutes later, they were getting restless. Perhaps something bad had happened to La Cocina? They didn't want to think of it and yet they were.

The litter of luchadores was about to enter the ruins for themselves when it suddenly stopped glowing. Confused, no one knew what to do. Until La Cocina herself came stalking silently out of the slag.

Everyone was so relieved that their leader was alright! Still, Rosa couldn't help but notice that something seemed a little off about their leader. She was smiling and her eyes were blank. It was almost as though La Cocina had lost her very soul and something else had moved in.

"Well," La Cocina breathed. "False alarm. Sorry guys. Nothing there. But I've got a better idea. We're going to Japan, chicas."

Now Rosa knew that something was VERY not right. Japan was FINE on its own, their Sailor Scouts seemed to be doing just fine. Even if they were maskless, luchadore rip-offs as far as Rosa was concerned. Spewing magic like cowards instead of using the sheer physical force of their perfectly well-toned bodies. And Rosa knew that this was a sentiment that La Cocina shared.

"Why? You've never shown any interest before." Rosa was panicking. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

"Let's just say that I've suddenly been given very STRONG motiviation." And with that La Cocina grabbed Rosa as hard as she could and kissed her harder than she had ever kissed her before. And somewhere, as Rosa was experiencing the true pleasure of this feeling that she could never grow sick of, she felt something that seemed to leave her as a few moments later different settled in. There was mayhem to be wreaked.

And suddenly, wreaking said mayhem in Japan didn't seem like such a bad idea.

La Cocina and Rosa broke apart and Rosa the two fo them stared hungrily at the rest of their swarm. The toher girls would soon come to realize this, too. And, as Rosa stuck her tongue down la garganta de La Laguna Azula, she hoped the other girls would come to accept their master as well as she had. Her master would be pleased. Oh yes. Soon, the time would come.


	2. Prologue 2

_Prologue 2! Last prologue, I swear._

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If you were to take the villains of Sailor Moon and give them singing abilities, would that in any way have changed the series? After all, idol singers are quite the rage in Japan, perhaps even more intensely than the popstars of North America. This does beg the unnecessary question: would that make the four generals and a brainwashed Mamoru the Backstreet Boys of evil? For that matter, would Evil!Mamoru be A.J.?

Of course this would also imply that the Witches 5 would be the Spice Girls of evil; the Amazon Trio and the Amazoness Quartet being the S Club 7 of evil; and Professor Tomoe making a pretty decent Ricky Martin of evil. However, this by no means implies that any of the aforementioned villains are, or ever would be, the epitome of all that is glorious and fantastic. (At least in terms of evil.)

We can leave that to Freddy-Mercury!Chaos-Entity.

Yet the sad truth is that all of these villains have been done, overdone and stick-a-fork-in-me-I'm-done to death. When you get right down to it, were any of them truly memorable or did they just feel recycled from the leftovers of the previous season? Magical girl badguys (and girls), by their very nature, are repetitive, overblown and ultimately wind up as sad caricatures of villainy. Gone are the antagonists of yore who actually paid attention to the Evil Overlord List, and dared to do the dirtywork themselves instead of letting overpaid, incompetent underlings fail time and time again.

But what if evil had evolved?

What would the Sailor Senshi do if everything they'd ever faced before paled against the darkness before them? What if it knew their secrets, their hidden thoughts and fears and desires? What if it knew their names, and the names of every possible person they'd ever cared about?

What then?

Certainly it sounds like a fascinating if not terrifying premise: the tantalizing prelude to a fanfic of absolute brilliance and sinister flair. And what possible villain could ever be introduced into Tokyo and herald such an ominous apocalypse?

A parking lot.

No, really.

Laugh all you want, but the sad, dark truth is that of all the nexuses of evil in this world, 90 are located smack-dab beneath a parking lot. (The other 10 are just Hellmouths.)

Or have you simply failed to notice that terrible things seem to occur in greater numbers the second you dare to lurch your car into a parking lot? Nice little old ladies cut you off in order to secure an open space 3 spots away from the front entrance, and then make very rude gestures because apparently being angry that they removed your front bumper in the process is a bad thing. Minivans will idle in the middle of the laneway for a half hour just waiting for a nearby space to open up, when there are plenty of vacant spots further down the way, though it does mean having to spend an extra minute walking out in the sunlight. And metal shopping carts, seemingly possessed (and probably are), careen wildly down the lanes, eyeing their victims until one poor car happens to stand out as "needing a good dent in their passenger door".

Parking lots are poised to take over the world and subjugate humanity.

Tokyo was no exception.

It was an otherwise beautiful day, filled with fluffy cumulonimbus clouds (one of which bore an uncanny resemblance to Sailor Lead Crow if she was short, blonde and looked like Hugo Weaving). The sun was shining, birds were singing, cats were eating the birds and people were probably getting some form of skin cancer from standing out in the shining sun too long. Somewhere out there, an otaku was making a very scary hentai dojinshi featuring Sailor V, Hermione Granger and a Psyduck..

In the middle of the Jyuban district, a happy-go-lucky (and more importantly, happy-go-the-speed-limit-and-no-faster) deliveryman for a ramen shop made his rounds. Strapped to the back of his twelve-speed bicycle was a two-tiered, rectangular food carton with the words "NEKO HANTEN" emblazoned on the sides. Despite being horribly myopic and an utter failure when it came to dating, he found himself quite optimistic. Today was going to be a fantastic day for him.

His horoscope had told him so.

SAGITTARIUS: don't be afraid to say what's really on your mind, and you will

find yourself unexpectedly rewarded for it.

And so with a song in his heart and a food order on his bike, he'd pedalled through the city, confident in the knowledge that for once victory would be his in every possible sense of the word. However, if he'd read further, he would have also noticed that the horoscope went on to say:

Also, your doom is certain and imminent. Avoid any of the following things:

ramen noodles, twelve-speed bicycles and cheese wedges. Now is still a

good day to shop for pants.

The ramen delivery guy's journey came to an end in the middle of a parking lot that had been squished between two moderately impressive buildings, and was filled with lots of very nice cars any seemingly-possessed grocery cart would have argued as needing a good dent in their passenger door. And perhaps most strangely enough, no one was there to pick up his order.

Scratching his head, the ramen delivery guy got off his bike and consulted the receipt once more. The address for the drop-off was indeed listed as the parking lot itself. It also added that whomever was bringing the order should smear themselves with barbeque sauce beforehand. The delivery guy figured it was just a typo.

"Hello!" he called out. "Neko Hanten ramen delivery service! I have your order!"

And that's when he heard a raspy, disembodied voice cackle across the wind:

"I sense it…the shimmer of a brilliant soul…I can feel it!"

Now by and large, raspy, disembodied voices should be avoided as a matter of principle. But then again, if the ramen delivery guy was ever going to get a tip, he knew he had to locate the source of this, raspy disembodied voice and politely ask it to cough up the cash for its order.

The parking lot, however, had other ideas.

Tendrils of blackened asphalt rose up from the ground and immediately wrapped themselves around the spokes of the delivery guy's bicycle, pulling the hapless twelve-speed down into the parking lot's gullet. The remaining dozen or so tendrils opted to attack the ramen delivery guy, who was now perilously perched upon the hood of the nearest car for safety.

In the face of such unexpected danger and certain doom, the ramen delivery guy was the very embodiment of selfless heroics. As he kicked away the ever-growing mass of tendrils, he held his carton aloft and in a defiant voice exclaimed, "You can have my double order of pork uudon and etamame when you pry this carton from my cold, dead hands!"

The ramen delivery guy took his job very seriously.

Sadly, three hours later, Usagi would still be wondering where the hell her double order of pork uudon and etamame had gotten to.


	3. Chapter 1: BLEEDING IN MY HEART!

_Well, here we go! Chapter 1. REVIEW PLZ!_

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The sun was just begining to se on the horizon as the three best friends sat outside the 'Crown Game Centre', eating an early dinner.

Usagi sighed loudly, breathing out through her nose as she balanced a pencil on her upper lip. Reaching over the table to her friend Amy took back her pencil and used it to make a small note in the textbook she was reading.

Makoto was too busy eating to pay any attention toUsagi's bordom.

"I'm bored" Usagi declared for the fifteenth time. No one was paying any attention to her, and that too was boring her. She was bored with feeling bored. "It's friday, I'm hanging out with my bestest best friends and yet your all so boring. Amy is busy studying, even though it's friday and nothing's due til monday and Makoto won't stop eating and I don't undertand how you can do that when your cooking is so much better than Motoki's. After all, he works in a game arcade that sometimes serves burgers and your planning on opening up your own restaurant one day."

Makoto murmured something to the effect of "But Motoki cooks just like my old boyfriend.'

"Don't we all" Usagi sighed "I'm still BORED!"

"You could try comtemplating the matter of the education that we are attempting to receive within the hours of the school day", Amy said, "Exams are three years away and your education should be very imporatnt to you."

"You know" Usagi said with a toss of her hair "sometimes I think the only reason I hang out with you is because your Sailor Mercury. Your very boring Amy all you think about is studying!"

"Don't be mean" Makoto said around her sandwich "I like that Amy helps do my homework."

"Why can't you be more fun?" Usagi said. "God, I wish there was a party or something that I could go to that would be fun for all of us!"

"Hey guys", Rei said, approaching the arcade at a run.

"Your late" Usagi said. "And boring!"

"That's normally my line, Meatball Head." Rei smirked as Usagi fumed. "Anyway, I was busy at Mamoru's apartment. You guys wouldn't believe it, that boy is loaded! It was amazing. He's got ALL of the newest high-tech stuff. A motorbike, a FERRARI-and wow, is his apartment big." The Priestess in training bragged, flicking a sideways glance at Usagi.

"Why would I care what Chiba Mamoru does in his apartment?" Usagi asked. "That creeps just as bad as you, he's always picking on me and he has bad hair!"

"That's your witty comeback?" Rei rolled her eyes, "Well, I think Mamoru's cool, and I've been invited to a party at his place tonight."

"A party?" Usagi's eyes widened with delight. "I want to go to a party!"

"I don't think it's your kind of thing, Usagi. It's a collage party."

"I love collage parties!" Usagi crowed "I saw one on television once and I've always wanted to go. There are always lots of cute boys there and fun-tasting drinks."

Rei and Amy swapped a glance from over Amy's book. Makoto took another huge bite of her banana bread and flicked through the magazine she had been reading.

"Really, Usagi" She said with surprise and delight. "I didn't think you'd go for it. Because you hate Mamoru and all."

"Nah!" Usagi said, waving a hand dismissively. "I'll just stay away from the JERK all night and hang out with his friends. You can take advantage of the party to get closer to him!"

Rei did a little dance of victory. "I'm looking forward tot that", she said, "You know, I really think that Mamoru might be my soulmate. We have so much in common, it would be tragic if someone came between us."

"You should not hasten your relationship with the upperclassman beyond the bounds of good taste." Amy said quietly, putting her book to one side. "however it appears that in order to progress the furtherance of this plot I must accompany you to the party in order to chaperone your activities and ensure that Mamoru's friends do not take advantage of the innocence of my precious acquaintances."

"Really Amy..." Makoto murmured around her banana sunday "How much trouble could we get into at a collage party?"

Half an hour later, the four girls regrouped at the Temple, below the steep stairs (AN: since Usagi's bad knees were playing up and she didn't want to have to go all the way up to the stairs just to climb back down again. Bad knees are like that and if your friends are kind they'll understand but if they don't you should ditch them and get a new group of friends. A big shoutout to Thea and Lachlan for being the best friends ever).

"Wow Usagi you dressed up", Rei said, looking the blonde girl over. The shrine maiden was dressed in her red and white robes, the ones that looked a little like a Jedi's but weren't really.

"We have to look our best for the collage party" Usagi said taking off her coat to reveal her dress in a short grey skirt, soft leather half-boots and a pink blouse. Crescent moon earrings dangled from her lobes.

Makoto was dressed in denin overalls, though she wore a tight green tshirt underneath. Her hair was still up in its custardary ponytail and as always she had her pink rose earrings in.

Amy had been the last to arrive, her bookbag still on her shoulder despite the fact that they were going to a party and not another study session. She was wearing a blue blouse that was slightly out of fashion, but at least she was wearing her contact lenses. Her big blue eyes were very visible and Usagi was sure they would attract the boys and maybe convince Amy not to be so boring.

"Are you sure your going to be able to walk in those shoes, Usagi?" Rei asked with a sneer as she looked at the high heeled sandals that the blonde was wearing.

"I made it this far didn't I?" Usagi said "Even if it was on the bus I was able to stand up most of the way here."

"We'll see how you're feeling when we get there, I guess", Rei sighed softly, "it's only a few miles to Mamoru's house."

They could tell which one was Mamorus flat by the loud music that deafened all that came into his hallway. There was quite obviously a prty going on, and Usagi felt her heart quicken with excitemnt as she thought of alll the cute young collage students who would be inside. Unlike that jerk Mamoru she was sure that they would appreciate her charms. After all, she'd just recently turned forteen, and in an outfit like the one she was wearing they were sure to take notice of her allure.

As the others hesitated and debated the merits of crashing partys, Usagi stepped up and knocked on the door.

It was opened by Mamoru and she stepped back in suprise a snarl on her lips. "Jerk" Usagi said the word without thinking and Mamoru rolled his eyes at her.

"Good evening to you to Odango Atama" he said looking over her fuming head to the temple girl.

"I'm glad you could make it Reri, even if you did bring the bimbo here."

"I'm not a bimbo you stupid jerk!" From there it turned into a screaming match "Bimbo!"

"Jerk!"

"Bimbo"

"JERK!"

"BIMBO!"

"JERK!"

"Guys can you keep it down?" Andrew said and Usagi flushed in shame and horror and mortification. Andrew was her one true love after all and she couldn't believe that she'd let the jerk trick her into behaving like such a child in front of Andrew. She was drowning in her embarassment.

"Sorry Andrew, Usagi said and she sniffled dramatically wiping her sleeve on her nose. "Well, are you going to come in and join us, or stand out there yelling all night?"

"It's my flat" Mamoru said with an annoyed voice. "Are you going to block the door all night?" Andrew grinned and stepped aside to let Mamoru in.

Rei followed him meekly although she turned around and poked her tongue out at Usagi as she did so. "Try to be more lady like Usagi", she said, "this is a gathering of grown ups after all" Amy and Makoto followed her.

"Ooh, that Rei" Usagi fumed "she thinks she's so grown up just because she has a collage boyfriend. I bet I'll have one by the end of the night."

Seeing that Andrew was still smiling warmly at her, Usagi grinned and bounced into to doorway. She started dancing to the music (AN: "I wanna be a star" from the Sailor Moon soundtrack) as she made her way into Mamoru's loungeroom, where many of his friends were gatherred around and perched on the various sofas, and a few of them were watching the giant wallscreen television that was playing the music and showing lots of pretty swirly images that moved in time with the music. A cute blonde guy who looked a bit like Hayden Christenson got up and came over to dance with her, passing the magazine he had been reading to Rei who thanked him with bow.

After a few minutes the song ended and Usagi (who had decided that the cute boy wasn't really her type since he kept stepping on her toes as she tried to dance with him) decided that she wanted to see what her friends were up to.

"Hey Makoto wanna come dance with me?" Usagi asked as she danced over to the kitchen table. Makoto had a slice of cake in her hand that Usagi recognised as one of Makoto's best cakes that she only made for special occasions and she was surprised to see that none of her friensd were getting up.

"Were all a little bit busy, Usagi", Rei replied as she reached over the table to take a magazine from the stack that Amy had brought to the party, "Did you want to join us?"

"What are you doing?" Usagi asked curiously, leaning over the table to see that her friends were going through travel magazines and cutting out pretty pictures of flowers and fields and the occasional forrest with a pretty temple girl in front of it.

"We are making a gift that will serve as a momento and small kindness for Rita as she journeys abroad to further her education" Amy said without looking up from the article she was reading. "After all, it is not every day that one of our closest confidants and the paramour of your present infatuation departs for Asia to discover the intricacies of the wilderness wildlife."

"Andrew thought it would be a nifty idea for us to make her a scrapbook as a going away present", Rei translated. "He has a bunch of photos of the two of them together on various vacations and we were going to take a few more here tonight of all her friends so that when she goes away she'll have something to remember us by."

"Makoto murmured something around her sushi roll as she passed a gluepot to an intent Mamoru and gestured with her free hand in a circular pattern. She swallowed and said "I heard that Andrew's going to be giving her a different present though. Molly told me that she saw him shopping at her place last night, looking at rings."

"WHAT?" Usagi screamed over the loud music.

"Chill out, moron", Rei said, glad that Andrew was on the other side of the room taking polaroids and couldn't see them, "you knew he was in love with her, of course he's going to marry her someday."

"But I wanted to marry him", Usagi muttered darkly, plotting out all sorts of horrible deaths that she'd be able to inflict on the hussy using her crescent moon want. Thinking of the want made her wonder if Andrew really was Tuxedo Kamen, after all, everyone knew that Tuxedo Kamen was in love with Sailor Moon, and Rita was most definitely not Sailor Moon.

But her love was steadfast, and nothing would shake it.

"Give the guy a break, Odango Atama" Mamoru said and she glared at him"just because his true love isn't you doesn't mean you get to blow a the party we're having for him."

"Some party" she said "there's not even any alcohol."

"Your to young to drink anyway" Mamoru said "why don't you grab some scissors and design a page for the scrapbook? There is a bundle of kids comic books over in the corner, you could probably find something there that appeals to your taste."

"Ooh, your such a jerk" Usagi fumed "I bet you've never even been kissed."

"Not that its any of your business Odango Atama, but of course I've been kissed. I've even kissed back." He smirked and she shot daggers at him.

"Well I bet you don't even know how to kiss properly" Usagi said.

"I do" Mamoru said.

"Prove it" Usagi said, just as a hush fell over the room, and all eyes turned to the two bitter enemies.


	4. Chapter 2: Thank God for Esteban!

_Hah! Well, I bet youall wanted to know what happened with the kiss teh last chapter. Well, I am not going to tell you! Hah! Yes, I am a big meanie. Let's just all asume that it was slightly awkward yet really HAWT, okay? Okay! I didn't write it because I am too much of a virgin to write good smoochies. But they did! And now it's the next day of school. And stuf._

_Whatev._

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Serena failed math…again. She knew that her mother would be mad at her and lecture her about how she needs to be a bit like Melvin and work harder in school. She feared going home because she knew that her mom would just lock her out of the house (again) and not feed her (again) like what had happened last week with the English exam.

Dreading the trip home, she ended up running into someone.

BAM!

"OW! Could you watch where you're going meatball head," said Darien. Darien was wearing his green blazer.

"No! You watch where you're going!" Said Serena picking her klutzy self off the ground.

"You're such a klutz meatball head," said Darien.

"SHUT UP YOU BAKA!" Serena said, grabbing her bag and rushing away.

"Wait, meatball head, you almost forgot your test."

Serena grew red with that and grabbed the piece of paper out of Darien's hand. She then stomped away.

Before she made it to her house, there was a strange dark glow surrounding a park that she usually passed in order to go home. The people there were acting a bit strange, sort of like they were dead or something.

Luna came running to her then.

"Serena! Transform! The Negaverse is attacking with zombies!" The cat yelled.

"Okay! Call the other senshi!" Serena told Luna as she took out her brooch.

"MOON PRISM POWER!"

Now, in place of where Serena stood was now Sailor Moon, the female warrior that would protect the world from all things bad and evil.

Sailor Moon started running towards the park, to where the main zombies were.

"STOP RIGHT THERE! I won't let you turn any more people into zombies! I am Sailor Moon, I was get rid of all evil dead or alive and that means you!"

The zombie boss laughed her orange hair bouncing as she did so.

"Sailor Moon! I have been expecting you. I am here to add you into my collection!" She had a really annoying laugh, almost as annoying as Beryl's, but not quite.

"What do you mean by adding me to your collection?" She said, un-posing from her signature pose.

"That means that I am going to add you into my harem for lesbian zombie luchadores." The zombie boss said. "You shall join the many other females that I have collected for the past two weeks!"

"HENTAI! That's disgusting!" Sailor Moon said. "I will never join your harem!"

"You don't have a choice," said the zombie boss.

Suddenly, a skeleton hand reached out from under the ground and grabbed onto her foot.

"OMG! They got me!" She screamed. "Someone, help!"

Suddenly a rose came out from the distance. It hit the hand and made it disappear. Sailor Moon looked up at the lamp post and saw that it was Tuxedo Mask.

"TUXEDO MASK!" Sailor Moon said with hearts in her eyes. "I knew you would save me!"

"Yes, I must protect the heteronature of the world and stop you from corrupting the world you horrible dead monster you." Tuxedo Mask said in one of his lesser good speeches that he had made.

"My hero!" Sailor Moon said.

Fire suddenly came from the side and hit the zombie boss.

"AHHH!" said the zombie boss.

"SAILOR MARS!" Sailor Moon said as the red senshi appeared with Sailor Mercury. "And Mercury!"

The zombie boss assessed the situation and then retreated.

"You won't be seeing the last of me! I shall have my pretty girl harlem. Bwahahahaha…"

The zombie boss disappeared.

Sailor Moon shuddered.

"Everything is just going to get harder now…"

Mars and Mercury agreed.

-to be continued-


	5. CRAWLING IN MY SKIN!

_OKAY! I come bearing another chapter. And this fic only has four reviews! I am sad and starting to think that people aren't reading this. I know I have hits. REVIEW! If I get 10, I'll update early! I know you all want that!_

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It was a clear night when the Lunchadores made their presence known, descending on the streets of Tokyo with the subtlety of a gentle waft of Chanel perfume. They came in neon armor as bright as the lights of Las Vegas and turned Tokyo into their own playground.

The Sailor Senshi came to the rescue at the first sign of trouble, but found things a bit more complex than they had originally imagined them to be.

Sailor Moon hit the ground with a thud, her face connecting hard with the pavement. Sailor Mars made a graceful landing next to her as Sailor Venus threw her Love Chain at the oncoming group of Lunchedores as they made a silent approach.

"They just keep coming!" Sailor Jupiter yelled as she ran past, her rolling thunder splintering against the neon colored armor of the nearest solider in the latest army of destruction. The Lunchadores had formed a solid wall of metal and steel across the street and were slowly advancing toward the Senshi, who stood between them and Tokyo Tower.

"Stand aside, warriors! You cannot stop the signal that we will send to the world! From the top of Tokyo Tower we shall begin a broadcast of total destruction, invading the homes of the world through their television screens and bringing them to their knees with our creative vision!"

The bright colors flashed in the street lights as the group split suddenly, moving to surround the Sailor Senshi.

"What do they want?" Sailor Moon asked, looking to Sailor Mercury who was typing furiously on her portable keypad.

"They want the Silver Crystal!" Luna announced, her eyes focused on Sailor Moon and flashing in the moonlight. "You must keep it from them. It is your destiny to hold it and use it to bring about the birth of Crystal Tokyo!"

"They want our pure hearts!" Sailor Venus said. "Each of us has one, and they need them to bring destruction upon the world!"

"They want our dream mirrors!" Sailor Mars chimed in. "Each of us has one, and they need them to bring destruction upon the world!"

"They want our star seeds!" Sailor Jupiter added. "Each of us has one, and they need them to bring destruction upon the world!"

"They want Chibi-Usa!" Artemis put in, looking concerned.

"They want Mamo-chan!" Sailor Moon wailed, her worst fears coming to life. "They've been in love with him since our past life and now they're going to take him away from me! And make him try to kill me, or break up with me, or…or…"

"Sailor Moon!" Sailor Mars pointed toward two of the Lunchedores who were currently involved in a rather impressive display of, as the kids would say, tonsil hockey. "They don't want Mamoru."

"Oh," Sailor Moon said, relieved. "Okay then."

"We want none of your pitiful human objects," said a Lunchedore, stepping forward. "We have more than enough booty to please us. What we want is something beyond your power to give or prevent us from getting."

"What is it?" Sailor Moon asked, getting to her feet.

"We shall rule this world through a carefully constructed chain of lingerie and shoe stores. There are few people in this world who are able to resist such a combination, and we shall dominate the commerce market and the minds of those who wear our garments."

There was a silence, and the streets filled with an out of place and inappropriate chirping of crickets.

"Really?" Sailor Jupiter asked after several long moments.

"Of course not. But it sounds fun, doesn't it? We may have to put that on our to-do list. After we burn Tokyo to the ground, enslave its people to our evil will, drain their energy to run our toaster ovens and stake our claim on the rest of the planet."

"Thank god," Sailor Mars said, her high heels clicked impatiently. "That's something we can deal with. Preventing world domination is our kind of thing."

"But you have never seen us attempt it before. And we have hordes at our disposal. There are thousands of us, waiting only for a text message on a cell phone, bound together by our love of patent leather shoes and knock off designer handbags sold on blankets in major tourist areas around the world. You may stop me, or my sisters who stand here with me today, but you cannot stop us all. We are forever. Lunchadores are eternal, we are unstoppable. There can be only one!"

The head Lunchadore flung her sword upward and lightning crackled down from the sky to strike her. She jerked convulsively as electricity ripped through her body and the other Lunchadores took this opportunity to attack. As one, they charged toward the waiting Sailor Senshi. They made a neon rainbow as they came flashing toward the slightly bewildered and off balance warriors of love and justice.

The battle commenced and it was clear from the outset that the Lunchadores were outgunned. After all, the Sailor Senshi had had an absurd amount of practice in dealing with this kind of situation, and the Lunchadores were armed only with swords. The Sailor Senshi were used to dealing with space ships, super powers and demons with funny names and even funnier hair. The Lunchadores had nothing on those enemies.

The leader had finally come down from the sky. Her hair holding enough electric spark to light a dingy bar for a while, she drew her sword and joined in the fray. It was Sailor Moon she came for with a single minded intensity that bordered on the obsessive. Sailor Moon turned to face her, her scepter in hand.

"Join us, Sailor Moon. Stand with your sisters who worship the female form and mind. You are so much greater than what you have allowed yourself to become. Stand with us, my sister. Join our cause and fight along side us."

Sailor Moon hesitated. "Could I have the pink armor?  
The leader paused for a second. "Probably. Nobody but Lilac ever had a preference, so I doubt Miriam will care all that much."

"Never! In spite of your attempt to bribe me with my favorite color, I will stand strong against your bribery and seductive promises. I am the solider of love and justice! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"

"Oooo. Darling, say that one more time and I might just take you up on it."

Sailor Moon blushed.

"You are cute. Too bad I have to destroy you, or we could have ice cream or something."

A red rose hit the ground between the two warriors as Tuxedo Kamen made his appearance.

"The rose that blooms in the light of the moon is the most glorious of all. I shall not allow you to destroy the fragile peace that is maintained by the Sailor Senshi."

"Boyfriend?" the Lunchadore guessed, nodding sagely.

"Solar Blast Flare!" came an unfamiliar voice, and a golden blast of energy blazed past the Lunchadore and Sailor Moon, striking a Lunchador about to cut Sailor Venus's golden hair off.

"Earth Shaking Sparkling Bomb!" came another voice as a blue blade of energy slashed at another Lunchadore being held off by Sailor Mars.

"No fun anymore," the head Lunchadore said, rolling her eyes as the Sailor Senshi beat back her group of warriors.

She darted away as Tuxedo Kamen landed beside Sailor Moon.

"Lesbian Lunchadores, to me!" she shouted, calling them away from battle. Neon green, pink, purple and electric blue flashed in the darkness as they pulled back from the fight and turned away from the Sailor heros. As one, they turned and bolted up the street, leaping into the air to land gracefully on the deck of a three mast pirate ship that had appeared moments before.

"We shall see you in Davy Jones' locker, Sailor Senshi! My word as a Lunchadore!"

The sails billowed as the Lunchadores took their places on the deck of the floating ship. As the Sailor Senshi watched, the giant ship sailed into the night sky and away.

"You cannot hope to beat them without help," came an unfamiliar voice. Turning and braced for an attack, the Sailor Senshi looked upward.

Perched atop a building, two slender young women in sailor fuku's stood, outlined by the full moon. One had dark brown hair, the other flowing gold. The blond's sailor fuku shone gold, silver and bronze, a golden crystal at the center of her bow. The brunette's fuku was shimmering shades of blue, green and brown. They were stunningly beautiful and held themselves confidently as only warriors, ballet dancers and small business owners can do.

"I am Sailor Sol," the blond said. "Cousin to Sailor Jupiter, niece to Sailor Venus, best friend of Sailor Mercury, confidant of Princess Serenity, style guru to Sailors Uranus and Neptune, intellectual equal of Sailor Pluto, official hair stylist to Sailor Mars and close friend to the rest of the sailor Senshi."

"And I am Sailor Terra, long lost twin sister of Mamoru, princess of Earth and keeper of the Sapphire Crystal which controls the oceans and all those creatures in it. We are the most powerful Sailor Senshi, and have been planning our return for some time."

"We got sidetracked in Tijuana for a while, but we made it at last."

"Just in time to prevent the destruction of Earth, befriend each of you, form lasting and unbreakable bonds of sisterhood and display our awe inspiring attacks as we help you fight off the most powerful enemy you have ever faced."

"You mean the pirate knights of Neon Glory?" Sailor Venus said, looking slightly skeptical. Sailors Terra and Sol nodded sagely.

"They are formidable opponents who seek the domination of the universe. This planet appeals to their sense of fashion and their newly discovered love of reality television."

"How do you know all this?"

"We know all and see all. Otherwise we wouldn't be all powerful and irritating. We have lived for a thousand years, waiting for the rebirth of the Silver Millenium."

"We were playing strip poker when the place was attacked, though we fought bravely and well we were unable to save the rest of you. We were not harmed and were declared guardians of the memories of that utopian time."

"We can help you. Nothing can destroy us, and our attacks are truly spectacular. If we all work together, we can prevent this madness from spreading to encompass the entire planet."

Silence followed this speech, and the crickets started up again.

"Sailor Mercury, stop with the sound effects. We get the point," Sailor Mars sighed. Sailor Mercury glared at her and turned the volume down.

"It seemed appropriate."

"We need a plan," Sailor Venus said. "But we don't even know what the Lunchadores really want. How can we find it first if we have no idea what it is?"

"It's the star seeds!"

"Dream mirrors!"

"Pure hearts!"

"Chibi-Usa!"

"Mamo-chan!"

"The Silver Crystal!"

"One way or the other, they want to rule the planet Earth. In this they are no different from the others who have come and lost to you before. However, they do not want to destroy it so much as enjoy what it has to offer. To do this, they must get through us."

"Energy will be needed for that. Their pirate ship will not run on pixie dust." Tuxedo Kamen added to the discussion.

"They will not triumph over us!" Sailor Moon declared, her eyes hardening in resolve. "I have not saved this planet to see it dominated by bad reality television and Ferragamo knockoffs. I will fight to the death to prevent this travesty from occurring."

"Then we are agreed," Sailor Sol and Terra said in unison.

"We are," Sailors Mars and Mercury said. Tuxedo Kamen nodded.

"These neon clad knights do not deserve this name. They attempt to destroy the sanity and sanctity of television and fashion. They must be stopped."

"And they shall be," said Sailor Sol, shaking her blond hair out of her eyes and adjusting her tiara. Sailor Terra stepped up to Tuxedo Kamen and they sized each other up.

"I thought I'd never see you again, my brother."

"I believed you dead, my sister."

"We were separated so long ago, but I never stopped looking for you. You and I are connected in spirit, as we have ever been."

"The Earth is ours. I am its guardian."

"And I its protector."

"Welcome back, sister."

"We must have a plan of action, my fellow senshi. It is imperative that we untie the strings that bind the Lunchadores together. We must strike at their hearts and bring them to heel. It is our destiny to protect this solar system and all those who live in it. In the name of the moon, I shall show them what it means to live the life of a pirate," Sailor Moon said, her face resolved as she turned to walk toward her home and the stacks of unfinished school work that awaited her there.


	6. Panic! At the disco!

_An here we have another chapter! I know you're all as excited as I am! Sailor Moon does not belong to me, it belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and some other Japanese folks and used to belong to some Canadians, too, but not anymore.  
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'What are we dong today after school Amy can we to to the Arcade" Serena whined. She wore her hair in two pigtales with dumplings at the top. She wore a pretty pink skirt with sparkles sown on the hem and a green plaid blouse with bunny rabbit buttons.

"No Serena we have to study" the blue haired bookworm told her friend Serena. Amy was wearing a jeans shorts red sandals and a lacy top.

"Thats right odango-atama you need to study. Or do you want to fail math again" said Darien. He was wearing leather pants and a ripped jacket. _(AN: HOTTT!)_ He was also with them.

So were Lita, Raye, Mina, Amara, Michelle, and Sakura from Naruto. _(AN - what's she doing here? You'll just have to wait and see! Dun dun dunnnnn...)_

Serena's sapphire eyes filled with tears. Why were her friends so mean to her all the time. Someday shed run away to America and make them all sorry!

"Want to go to the movies Darien?" Raye said smiling evilly at Serena.

Two crystal tears slid down Serena's cheeks. Raye was supposed to be her friend. Why was she trying to steal Darien all the time?

"We don't have time! There's that new enemy!" said Artemus (he was there too). "The computer says one of them is here!"

Everyone was surprised. The enemy was here?

And lo, the enemy _was_ there. One moment, nothing, and the next, madness. People screamed as if their souls were being sundered and cloven apart with the hot knives of Torquemada himself.

Where is it? What is it? the friends asked themselves, needing to know yet fearing to know lest they go mad. The evil that leached through the very ground itself was almost palpable. They had never faced anything like this before, no, never. Never never never...

They did not _see_ the abomination, no, not at first, nor did any of the suffering souls whose lives ebbed away on the crowded streets of Juuban. Rather, a strange sursurration moved through the air--a whisper, a shout, a warning. _Evil comes, evil comes, and the earth itself shall cry in pain_.

The sky in front of them parted like a curtain as terrible hands pushed aside reality as if it were nothing more than the screen on a child's puppet theater. _You are all puppets in my show, _the gesture seemed to say, and I shall make you all dance at my whim.

And, ah! that which came through the tear in the sky was not something that could be described by mortal man, although your humble author shall try her very best with the paltry words at her disposal. For the undead Ladies of La Tenebrae, the daughters of Our Lady of Darkness herself, have the sort of horrible beauty that inflames not desire, but the feverish madness of the poet, the dreamer, and the psychotic serial killer who gives the police a run for their money.

The skin of the undead was fine and pale like purest marble, but although it was unmarked by maggot, decay, or blemish, the smooth whiteness of her skin had an air of corruption to it, and the sheen to her long, dark hair put one in mind not so much of the silken hair of maidens who sang by the rivers of Babylon as it did to the sliminess that gathers around the drain holes of sinks unattended to by slatternly housewives.

And her face, ah! her face! Were it unmasked, none there on the streets of Juuban would survive, for such is the horrible beauty of the Daughters of Tenebrae, the Wrestlers of the Vasty Deep. I already told you about the feverish madness, but perhaps Gentle Reader wasn't paying attention, hmm?

Anyhow...

The mask on her face was nearly as terrible as the beauty it was meant to hide. It was crafted of finest silks and velvets and covered the entirety of her face, but left her long, elegant neck bare. The patterns of red and black that crossed and curled across the mask suggested words written in some profane alphabet, words that spoke of things that man was not meant to know.

The leather and latex of her red wrestling uniform covered a body so perfectly proportioned that Pygmalion himself would have wept in despair because never, never! could he have sculpted such a perfect Galatea.

And even Serena, she who would be Serenity of the new and holy Kingdom of the Moon, wept in bitter despair, for the children of _Mater Tenebrae_ (born in ruin and darkness out of the most unholy and unspeakable of unions) are fair and desireable to womankind, even those who had never longed for the touch of their own kind. They knew she was the embodiment of all that is loathsome and evil, and yet all of them--to a woman (and yes, I'm including Darien in that statemnt)--would have given themselves over to the Luchadore without even stopping to mourn their own lost innocence.

But the spell was broken as _La Luchadore _raised an arm with the slow inevitability of a dark prophecy, and pointed a clawed finger at the assembled Senshi. When she called out in a tongue that was old long before the tongues of man were even a thought, birds fell screaming from the sky as the horrible words clove the very air itself.

_"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"_

The clattering words were spoken, and burgeoning desire turned to loathing and revulsion.

"WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Serena said. "I don't want to fight."

"Don't be such a cry baby Serena!" Luna (she was there too) told her. "Quick! Turn into Sailor Moon!"

"Yes everyone transform!" Ami said raising her blue transformation pen.

Everyone raised their pens (except Darien who didn't have one) and spun around. Serena's skirt turned blue with a red ribbon. Amy's turned blue with a pink ribbon _(AN: I changed it because it was boring. If you don't like it, tough!)_. Ray's was red and purple. Lita's was green and pink. Mina's was orange with blue. _(AN: I can't remember what color Amara's is)_. Michelles was blue and green and Sakura's was silver with golden trim and a pretty pink ribbon that was longer than everyone elses and had bells sown to the ends.

"Okay monster! Prepare to eat fire!" yelled Sailor Mars.

"No Raye! Fire won't work!" yelled Sailor Mercury.

"She's right fire only makes it stronger!" yelled Luna.

"FOOLS! YOU'LL NEVER BEAT ME! MWAHAHAAHAA!"

END

_AN: Sorry 'bout the cliffie, but I'll only post the next chapter after I get 10 reviews!_


	7. The Black Parade

_Hello, everyone! Time for another chapitre of mah ficcie I just wanna thank every1 that left me so many onderful reviews! I got so many emails! I'm so glad that so many of you like this story! Thanks so much for reading! Love, me!_

_xxxXXXxxx_

In the dark, sad abyss that constituted the Luchadores' lair, one dark, sad, lesbian luchadore scribbled away. Now, if said luchadore were to interrupt right now, she would tell us, "It's luchadorA, chingados, LUCHADORA! Do I look like some idiot oppressive man? Me cago en tu puta madre!"(_1)_ But honestly, who goes to a lesbian luchadore for grammar lessons? But the point is that she scribbled, and this is what she was scribbling:

Death and sadness.

. . . . .Cruel torments envelop me like diseased nectarines.

. . . . . . . . . . . I taste the flesh of cockroaches.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . I seduce the gentle chrysanthemum.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am misery incarnate.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . _Man, this poem blows._

With a sad, appropriately emo sigh, the emo-est luchadore shut her black notebook of secret bad poetry. God, it was so hard to be a lesbian luchadore. I mean, she had to fight teenage girls in short skirts, which was totally hot, she had to wear totally gross tights, she had three heads, and the whole world was just so FULL of death and pain. People just walked by all the death and pain. There would be, like, a little dead mosquito on the windowsill and they'd scrape it off like that precious, bloodsucking life had never existed. And that was wrong. Because that mosquito had feelings, and more importantly, it had a SOUL.

Or something like that.

Besides, she had a TERRIBLE secret. She wasn't really a lesbian luchadore.

She was a bisexual luchadore.

Her Lesbian Luchadore Overlords had told her that bisexual luchadores were just being greedy, but she wasn't so sure. I mean, men could be hot too. Like, with their lip hair and stuff, that was hot. Of course, she had more lip hair than the average biker, but that was beside the point. She had no actual idea what the point was.

Time to write more poetry.

I am poisoned.

... --- ... Dark urges

... --- ... ... ---... trip through

...---... ...---... ...---... my black

... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... night soul.

Poisoned blood.

... --- ... My blood

... --- ... ... --- ... looks and

... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... smells like

... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... cat pee.

I am blood bound.

... --- ... it's really

... --- ... ... --- ...edgy to

... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... write poems

... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ... like this.

Well. That might be her best effort yet.

Changing her music from Death Cab for Cutie to My Chemical Romance (My Chemical Romance was SO DEEP, and their lyrics resonated in her soiled soul), she sat and contemplated her pathetic existence.

What was she good for, if not defeating hot girls in miniature skirts? What was the meaning of life, anyway? Was it to die? Maybe the whole point of life was, like, death. Maybe that poor mosquito had found its purpose in lying on that windowsill.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey," she snapped, turning around, "I was contemplating the meaning of life here!"

The other luchadore rolled her eyes. "You know, you think you're so emo, but you're really not."

"OMG," and she really did say "Oh-Em-Gee," gentle reader, "I am so emo. See?"

She showed the other luchadore five of her arms, which all had various phrases written in them, such as, "Crying blood tears," "Suffering is inevitable," and "pick up dry cleaning."

"That is SO not emo," the other luchadore told her. "You want to know what emo is? She turned around and showed the emo-est luchadore where she'd carved her autobiography (now with more death and suffering!)

"I never wear colors other than black and red," the emo-est luchadore told her quickly.

"Red? You emo pussy. I once took a cheese grater to my stomach!"

"Yeah? Well, I ripped one of my arms out of its socket and beat myself with it!"

"Loser," the meanest luchadore sneered. "You totally put it back. If you were really emo, you'd have left it out and made a shrine out of it." She pointed to one of her hollow leg sockets, then to a shrine that made great use of vanilla votives and dead roses.

"I once poured gasoline in my vagina and then smoked a carton of Marlboros!"

The meanest luchadore paused, then said, "You know, this fight is really dumb." Which was sekrit lesbian lucadore code for 'okay, you win.' "You wanna go have lesbian sex and camwhore for our Myspaces?"

"Sure!" There was no greater joy in life than camwhoring for her Myspace.

Except finding out she had 3000 new Myspace friends the next day. Although they all felt her black lipstick was a bit much.

It gave that emo-est luchadore an idea.

When the luchadores attacked, all of the senshi were conveniently hanging out about two minutes away from where the luchadores began their assault. It was pretty obvious that there was an attack, as everyone in Tokyo could spot a lesbian from a hundred meters away.

"Let's go, guys!" Rei called out, eager to go...battle, yeah, that's right...with the luchadores.

"MOON CRYSTAL POWER!"

"MERCURY STAR POWER!"

Truncated, because transformations are boring as shit, but they all transformed.

"SATURN STAR POWER!"

They all ran to where the attack was taking place. It looked like a cross the Battle of Gettsyburg and an orgy. Although some say the two don't look all that different.

"Guys!" Sailor Pluto called out. "We must all attack!"

"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"

"Mars Flame Sniper!"

Truncated because this is also boring as shit.

"Starlight honeymoon therapy kiss!" Moon cried out.

"And WE'RE the lesbians?" one of the lesbian luchadore minions muttered. "That is the gayest gay attack, EVAH."

"No no, 'star gentle uterus' definitely takes that prize," another pointed out.

"Point," the first lesbian luchadore minion conceded.

"Luchadoras," the emo-est luchadore screamed, "we must unleash the secret weapon!"

All the luchadores grinned evilly.

Immediately strains of "Untitled" by Simple Plan began to play out, as if by magic, or iPod speaker.

"How could this happen to me?" the music crooned emo-ly. "I've made my mistakes, got nowhere to run, and life goes on as I'm fading away..."

All of the senshi screamed out, falling to the ground and covering their ears.

"NO!" Moon screamed. "Must...resist...urge...to...cut...self..."

"Fight it!" Neptune screamed, but she couldn't help but remember all those songs she wrote when she was 14...the ones where she poured her soul on paper...the ones she literally wrote in her own blood...

Just as Uranus was about to take the Space Sword to her wrists, a rose flew by, turning off the music.

"You have poisoned this life!" Tuxedo Kamen yelled out, getting into speech mode. "Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate the lives of everyone you know! And what's the worst you take from every heart you break? And like the blade you stain! Well I've been holding on tonight...because I, Tuxedo Kamen, will not stand for this travesty!

"I think he steals his speeches from My Chemical Romance songs," Moon commented.

"You just noticed?" Jupiter cackled.

"He quotes them in bed, too."

"Ew," the senshi all said at once.

"And so I say to you," Tuxedo Kamen finished with a dramatic flourish, "Cheer up, emo luchadores!"

"LUCHADORAS!" They screamed out.

Now the terror began in earnest.

"I have something special for you," the emo-est luchadore told them.

She began to read:

"My heart is a dead worm.

I live in a shadow beehive.

They swarm around my honey like bears..."

"You know," Mercury remarked as they listened, "if the Dark Kingdom had just read amateur poetry in the first place, we'd all have personally volunteered to serve Metallia."

"Whatever," Moon replied. "You wanna go have lesbian sex and camwhore for our Myspaces?"

"Sounds good to me," Mercury agreed. Besides, Mars and Venus were already making out in back. Something about blocking out the emo-vibe. As for what Uranus and Neptune were doing...well, it was best to just not look.

As it was said, so was it posted on the Internets.

That night, Ami gained 9000 friends. She'd never felt more popular in all her life. And popularity made her feel loved. And that the power of love could, like, totally save the world and stuff.

Just as soon as she recovered from the vibrating spiked-metal strap-on.

_(1)I shit in your whore mother!_


	8. RAINBOWS IN DREAMLAND

_Hey guys! Sorry it took so long for me to update but I had tests and_ _exams and weird internet problems, lol! But I'm back now, lol, so hopefully I'll get back to updating this regularly, lol! And since I missed a few updates, there's totally 2 of em in here, yaaaaaaaay! I hope you like it becuz I worked rly hard on it, k, lol.  
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A light rain fell as Usagi awoke. She smiled as she threw her legs over the bed. The blonde remembered the mysterious dream she had. A tall, dark, handsome man appeaered to her, sweeping her off her feet in a kaleidoscope of colours. Usagi opened her curtain to let the morning sunlight fill her bedroom with its sunny warmth. Luna looked up at her charge and stretched. "Good morning, Bunny."

"Good morning, Luna." Usagi brushed out her golden hair.

"You're looking happy," the black cat remarked. She started washing the golden crescent moon on the top of her forehead.

Usagi set down her brush. "I had the most amazing dream. There was this mysterious tall, dark, handsome man dancing with me in a kaleidoscope of colours. It was so real. Do you think this guy exists? Should I tell Mamo-chan?"

Elsewhere, Ami rolled over in bed. The smell of breakfast wafted over the aoi-haired senshi of water. She opened her eyes and looked around the unfamiliar room. As she slipped out of the bed, Ami gathered the sheet around her nude form and shuffled out of the bedroom, following the pleasant breakfast smell.

In the kitchen, Makoto stood at the stive flipping eggs clad only in an apron. She turned when she heard her friend enter the room. "Morning, Amy. Sleep well?"

"Only when you let me." Ami smirked. "I didn't hurt you too much?"

"Nothing I couldn't handle." Makoto rotated her shoulder. "Where did you learn how to do that?"

Ami smiled demurely. "Breakfast smells delicious, Mako-chan."

"I figured we'd need something to build up our stamina." Makoto looked out the window. "Such a miserable day out there." Rain splashed against the window, leaving a glistening trail as the drops slid down the window pane. "I can think of a few things we can do while waiting for it to clear up."

"Ooh!" Ami squealed. She sat down as Makoto served the delicious breakfast. As the girls ate, their feet met under the table, feeling each other's arches, caressing and intermingling toes. Slowly, Ami drew her foot up Makoto's leg, rubbing the taller girl's calf in a sensuous manner. Makoto tried to repress a shiver of pleasure that coursed through her. Ami grinned ferally as her toes crept over her friend's knees and under her apron.

"Ami!" Makoto gasped. "You're insatiable."

Amy giggled.

Meanwhile, clouds cleared over the Hikawa shrine, letting rays of sunshine strike the ground. Rei settled on the floor across the table from Minako. The blonde scrambled through her bag. "I know he's in here."

Rei giggled. "Artemis is a tricky cat, isn't he?" She brushed back a stray lock of hair from her face. "Must be nice."

"Huh." Minako pulled the white ball of fur out of her bag. "There you are. Naughty kitty. What would be nice, Rei?"

"Having a cat around."

Minako thrust Artemis at Rei. "Here."

"Hey!" Artemis protested.

"I couldn't," Rei resisted.

"No, really," Minako insisted. "I'm not giving him away," she explained. "Mom and Dad are renovating and they don't want Artemis underfoot." The cat hmphed.

Rei took the white feline into her arms. "I'd be happy to take care of him." She absently fingered him. "You and me are going to have lots of fun, aren't we, Arty?"

"Just keep him away from the catnip."

Rei hugged the cat. "Does Artemis have a little problem?" Aw, that's so kawaii how your eyes bug out like that."

"Make sure he's fed and watered."

"I'm not a plant!"

Rei set Artemis down. "He's in safe hands."


	9. In the Shadows

Mamoru was walking around the blokc one day after work and he was very tired because he was such a good med student that all the doctors thought he was SO KEWL that they let him do 12 surgeries that day but only little ones lkike the appendix b/cuz people don't need those anyway so it didn't matter if he messed them up! Anyway even if he did it was okay because his teacher was SEIYA here on earth disguised as a doctor to keep an eye on usagi_ (A/N in this world seiya was ALWAYS A BOY but he does not luv usagi anymore, he thinks of her like a little sister and is happy for her and mamoru. OH A/N 2: I know he's really star fighter not star healer but just pretend k? thanks!)_

So anyway mamoru was looking around for a special flower shop because the next day was his anniversary with serena aka bunny aka his precious usako!1 and yes he could make all the roses he wanted but he was looking for a very special flower called the MOON POSEY. It was white with silver sparkles on the edges and only grew in the light of a new moon.

He aksed all the flower shops around but no one new where to find the flower or had even heard of it! He was getting really really depressed because he wanted to propose with the flower _(A/N I know he already really proposed but pretend he didn't so it's romantic wink)_

But then he looked over and on the corner was a weird shop he had never seen before it looked just like the one he remembered he used to buy from in the silver millennium! Cuz 1000 years ago the flowers grew ALL the time on the moon because it doesn't have phases, well it did but you couldn't see them from being on the moon you get it.

MAMORU: hello do you have moon flowers here?

SHOPKEEPER: yes we do I can give them to you but first I must KILL YOU, TUXEDO MASK:

MAMORU:-O

SHOPKEEPER: transforms IN THE NAME OF MEXICO, I AM SAILOR LCUHADORE!

MAMORU: o shit

The lauchadore attacked with her +5 attack of masking what it did okay was it smothered mamoru's face which meant he could not transform into tuxedo mask! Instead what it did was put a luchadore mask on him as well and he became TUXEDO LUCHADORE. His outfit really clashed like a lot.

Luchadore: HA HA HA TUXEDO MASK YOU ARE MY SLAVE NOW _(A/N: should I write a lemon? wink)_

And so Tuxie became her onion! And they did lots of crimes together and the scouts were so worried until the FINAL CONFRONTATION. Tuxie killed them all with his powers of acid luchadore sweat until only sailor moon came back!

SERENA: NOOO DARIEN-CHAN DON'T YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU?

Tuxie: D NO!

And then he pointed his wand at her n shouted AVADA KADAVRA! Cuz he was really HARRY POTTER IN DISGUISE! _(evil harry potter, that's gonna be my next fic)_

_XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX_

_Sailor Moon was dead :( OR WAS SHE? Read the next chappie 2 find out! but review first plz or I will no continue!_


	10. Chasing Cars

_Well, here we go! We ra ll slowly crawling to an end with this fic! I've worked on it 4 so long and i'm gonna be so sad when it's over but there will be new fics from me. I am so grateful to every1 that has reviewed me and if you're reading this and youhaven't reviewed me, PLEASE DO. It is my dream to be a real writter someday and i need all the encourabgement i can get!_

_ Thank you!_

_XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX  
_

"Whew! I'm so glad that's over!" said Usagi.

"Me too!" said Raye. "We've been in a lot of battles, but that one was the worst!"

"We always come out on top though don't we!" said Usagi. "Scout power can't be beat!"

"It's too bad about Amara, though," said Minako.

"Yeah, well, I won't miss her too much." Said Makoto. "It was so nasty how she was all over her cousin. Thats just wrong. I won't be surprised if Michiru isn't too sad about it either."

"What happened to her anyways?" said Usagi "hotaru's gone too..."

"I think they're at the funeral," said Makoto. She poked Amy in the stomach. "You shouldn't be reading at a time like this!"

"sorry"

"We should probably be getting back to school huh?" said Minako.

"Haha, you, Mina, thinking about school? Are you feeling ok?"

Minako blushed "So there's this guy there I like, ok? Don't pick on me!"

"Haha I knew it!" Usagi hugged Minako. "I'm sure you'll get married and be just as perfect together as me and Darien, although nobody could be as perfect as he is."

"You just have to rub it in, don't you?" said Rei. She glared at Usagi. "Too bad it wasn't you who died in that battle, or I could have him back. We were better together anyway."

"Raye how can you be so mean!" Usagi started crying. Makoto punched Raye in the face. "Dont be so mean to her. She's the princess so even if she's an annoying brat, we still have to be nice to her"

"Oh, that really helps Makoto." Usagi cried louder. "You all hate me, just admit it."

"Oh, come on Usagi, why would we keep sacrificing us for you if we didn't love you?"

"I suppose that's ture." Usagi calmed down. That was good because suddently there was a puff of pink smoke and an enemy appeared! It was a girl with long orange hair, it went part way down her back, like not quite to her butt but just above it. She has purple eyes that change color when she gets upset, and right now they are bright red. Her skin is a golden tan, and she's tall, even taller than Makoto. She's wearing tall gold boots that go up to her knees, and gloves with spikes on them, and spikes in her hair, and spikes on her pants too, which are gold tight pants like biking shorts. She's wearing a skimpy top, barely more than a bra, with lightning bolds on it. She's totally ripped. Muscles cover her arms and legs. She has tatoos too, of lightning bolts on her biceps and thighs. One look at her and the scouts new they were in for trouble!

"I am Lightning Luchadore!" She glared at the scouts "I will get revenge for my sisters!"

"OMG!" said Usagi. "We have to fight again! Can't you guys leave us alone? What did we ever do to you?"

"That's none of your business!" said Lightning. "I'm here to fight you! Transform!"

"Fine then, we will!"

"MOON ETERNAL POWER!"  
"MERCURY PLANET POWER!"  
"VENUS CRISTAL POWER!"  
"MARS CRISTAL POWER!"  
"JUPITER CRISTAL POWER!"  
"NEPTUNE PLANET POWER!"

"We will stop you from taking over the world!" usagi said doing her trademark pose. "In the name of the moom, I will punish you, and that means you!"

"Just try and stop me!"

"OK we will!"

"MERCURY AQUA BLAST!"  
"VENUS LOVE SHOCK!"  
"MARS FIRE SOUL!"  
"JUPITER SPARKLING DRAGON!"

Lightning Luchadore dodged all of the attacks! She was as fast as lightning! Nothing the scouts could do could hit her!

"Now it's my turn!" she said. Lightning started poweringup for an attack. First she crossed her arms in front of her, and the lightning bolts on her bicepts started to glow. She closed her eyes, gathering all the power into her arms.

"AAAAAAARGH!"

Screaming helped her focus her energy even more. Her tatoos were glowing even brighter. Her hair started to stand on end. Then she raised her arms above her head. Lightning came down from the clouds and went into the spikes on her close. She spread her legs and focused the energy even more and more. She spread her arms out to the side and lightning flashed all around her. Now she was ready to attack.

"COSMIC BODY SLAM!"

She charged forward toward Sailor moon. Suddenly a rose came out of nowhere and stopped her.

"Stop right there!" said a voice.

"Who's there?" said lightning, looking around.

"It's me!" Everyone looked up at a lamp post. Up at the top of it was Tuxedo Mask. He jumped down to the ground and stood between Lightning and the scouts. "I won't let you hurt my Bunny!"

"Get out of my way!" Lightning pushed Tuxedo Mask aside and jumped toward the scouts. She raised one hand to hit Sailor Moon. Then suddenly she stopped. Her eyes fell on one of the scouts standing behind Sailormoon.

"They warned me about this," she said. She tried to concentrate but could not. The woman was just too beautiful. Lightning just wanted to hug her, to be her friend. She couldn't attack if there was a chance this goddess would be hurt.

"We don't have to fight," Lightning said. "Join us on the side of evil! You have super powers, don't you want to rule the world!"

"No we don't want that!" Sailor Moon said. "We will defeat you! Give up now!"

"I can't do that!" said Lightning. "I have to complete my missing!" But one of you, I want one of you to be by my side, always. With you, I won't be lonely!"

"I'm sorry," said Michiru, but my cousin just died, I'm not ready for anyone new right now."

"I don't mean you!" said Lightning. She went over to the woman she had fallen in love with - Sailor Venus!" "Please be mine, blonde goddess! I can't go on without you!"

"Hey, don't you want to be with me?" said Tuxedo Mask. He looked confused. "I'm the only guy here! All the bad guys usually want me."

"No way!" said Lightning. "I don't need some stupid guy who can only throw roses and stuff! I need a scout with awesome powers and stuff to help me fight! And she's prettier than you!"

Tuxedo Mask was mad and jealous and Lightning went over to Sailor Venus. Michiru was jealous too, she thought Lightning was really pretty and powerful and wanted Lightning to pick her instead. But she only wanted Venus because she had such pretty long blonde hair and was strong and stuff light Lightning was.

"Well, I knew I was beautiful, but this is amazing!" Minako tossed her hair proudly. "But I can't be with you, I'm a Sailor Scout."

"YOU MUST BE WITH ME!" said Lightning. "I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DONT!"

"NO, I WON"T! I'M NOT EVIL!" said Venus. "LEAVE ME ALONE"

"I can't DO THAT!" Lightning said. She was getting really mad now and her eyes were flashing red and yellow. "YOU MuST JOIN US, NOW!" Lightning bolts started flahsing on her arms.

"NO! NEVER!" Venus said.

"FINE!" Lightning was really mad now. She went over to a rock and stood on it. "If you won't do what I say, I'll make sure you regret it!"

She pointed her arm at a bus. The wheels started turning. The bus started moving and was going straight toward Luna!

"LUNA! NO!" Sailor Moon said. She started crying. Tears were pouring down her face. "PLEASE, STOP! DON'T KILL LUNA! PLEASE!" The bus was still going toward Luna!

"Sailor Venus has to come with me to our HQ!" Lightning ordered. "I won't stop the bus unless she does!" The bus kept going on, getting closer and closer!

"NO! PLEASE STOP!" said mercury, she was crying too "Please, let Luna go! Shes our friend!" The bus was really close now!

"Luna, what should we do?" Venus said. "I don't want to go with Lightning!"

"Sailor Moon, use the cresent wand!" said Luna. She was getting really scared now, the bus was getting closer every minute!

"Moon Healing Escalation!" said Moon. She waved the wand at the bus but nothing happened!

"Use the wand with the red thing on it!" said Luna next.

"Moon Princess!" said Sailor Moon. She waved the wand with the red ball on the end, the one she got after beating Queen Beryl. But nothing happened!

"Try the one from S!" said Luna. SHe was so afraid even her fur was shaking! The wheels were getting really close now, in another minute they would roll right over her!

Sailor Moon tried all her wands (I can't remember the other ones!) against the bus but it just kept right on going!

"HAHAHAHA! You can't stop me!" Lightning said. She stood and laughed and laughed and laughed as the bus got closer and closer!

"I'LL GO WITH YOU I'LL GO WITH YOU JUST PLEASE DONT HURT LUNA" Minako cried. But it was too late! The bus rolled right over Luna and crushed her flat! There was blood and fur all over the pavement! Mercury took one look at the mess adn threw up all over the place. Venus started to cry. It was all her fault! Why didn't she go with Lightning in the first place! If she had, Luna would still be alive!

Sailor Moon ran over to Luna's body. She fell down next to the flat cat and cried and cried. Luna had been her friend for so long. What would she do without her. This was the worst thing that had ever happened. She didnt know what she was going to do. How she could go on without Luna to tell her how to fight enemies. She was so upset she didnt hear the other scouts being sad.

"Oh Luna, Luna" cried Mercury

"How could this happen! Luna!" said Jupiter. She was crying too.

"Lunaaaaaa" said Mars. She was crying most of all, even more than Sailor Moon ever had! She didn't tell anyone but she had always been hoping Luna would tell her she was the real princess and she could be with Darien. Now that Luna was dead that couldn't happen. "I never got a chance to ask you!"

Sailor Moon was so upset she got up and ran home, not stopping for anything. She went straight to her house and upstairs and locked herself into the bathroom. She cried and cried and cried. She had always been bad at being a soldier. She had always known it was only because of Luna that she had lived so long. Without her cat she didn't know what she would do. She just couldn't go on living.

Suddenly there was a razor in her hand. Sailor moon didn't know how it got there. It was cutting her. She was cutting her. There was blood everywhere. Like Luna's blood. All over the place. It was red. Red like Sailor Mars's skirt. It went all over Moon's skirt, making it look like Mars.

"Luna... Mars..." Sailor Moon said. Her eyes grew big. Suddenly it all made sense. The red blood of Luna was a sign! It had all been planned by Sailor Mars! It was all a plot to get rid of her! She had called the luchadores here to take the planet away from Sailor Moon!

She got up and ran out of the house. Sailor Mars would have to pay! She would find a way to make her suffer! She went to the store and bought a gun. Slowly she put in all the bullets. She was going to make everyone pay for this! She would get revenge for luna! ANd then the planet would be safe again! She ran off into the night. She would find Sailor Mars and get her revenge!


	11. Living on a Prayer

_Hey all! Sorry it took so long again! Classes, lol! Anyway, once again, thnx to all the peeps that revewed me. i will try to wrk in every1's requests! I LUV U ALL!_

_oooOOOoooOOOooo (HEe, I sw this in a Bleach fic and it looked like weird o.O smileys so I thout I'd use it.) oooOOOoooOOO_

CHAPTER BEGIN!

If they had thought that the funeral had been bad, the wedding that followed was much worse. Minako didn't even know any of the people around her, except for the three remaining Senshi of course, and she was wishing she didn't know them either. Usagi was furiously bawling her eyes out--huge rivers of tears streaming down limpid cheeks--and no one could figure out why. She had just sat down in some strangers' wedding and started to weep and wail, almost drowning out the preacher with her shrieks of terrible. Rei and Ami had resorted to snogging quietly in the corner for to escape their surroundings, but Minako was not so lucky.

Minako strained to hear the service over Usagi's elegantly piercing voise. "...speak now of forever hold their paece."

They were looking for objections. Well she could help there. She had lots of objections. To all sorts of things. She could object all day long if she needed to. "I have plenty of objections," she said aloud, announcing that she had objecitons to everyone around her.

No one paid attention to her as the preacher slammed his gavel down, giving out the second call for objections. Minako threw Luna at the couple up on the platform, quickly sending Usagi into new gales of mournful screeching. "I've got some objections!" she yelled loudly; her taught thighs springing her to her feet. "You do." Asked the preacher, with a shockingly suprised look.

"I have a lot of objections," she confirmed confidently.

"Well you can't!" protested the preacher.

"WHy not?" queried Minako.

"Because I'm the fucking Pope!" He growled.

And so he was. Pope Benedict XVI's eyes shown like deep pools of emerald sea-green, his shock of short white hair glowed under his hat like a white glowign thing, a brilliant beacon of perfection. His wrinkled skin glowed with a healthy, exotic glow that was unusual for someone so old. There was an ephemeral, wild, sexy quality in the air about him, an air that said "I am a dangerous man who might bite off your ear if you don't watch me." It toook Minako's breath away to be so close to him, and even Usagi's weeping became soft and tremulous by the force of his mightiness.

His clothing was befitting of a man of his colossal standing. His cloths and robes were embroidered with delicate and intricate patterns than set off his hair and skin beautifully, and brought out his eyes that they glimmered wherever he looked. The interwoven colour schemes gave a overall snappy impression that would have done a gay Nazi proud, and his shoes were a bright and gaily garish red, but not in a bad way. He was simply too awesome for the tackiness of any colour to overwhelm the radience that his physique and impeccable taste deployed.

He growled once more, a melodiously effluous noise emenating from deep in his throat. It is a growl that spoke of age and wisdom and hidden power. "Go Vatican Ninjas!" he quipped blithely.

SCENE BREAK!

And so Minako walked home, dragging Usagi by one foot as she loudly dehydrated herself, Rei bringing up the rear with Ami clinging affectionately to her arm. It had was a miracle that they had survived the last scene. So many things had happened, she didn't know where to begin to order them in her brain so they would make sense. In the end it had all worked out though. The zombies had been viciously beaten back and they had recieved a blessing from both popes.

But the zombies were still out there, lead by the connivingly evil rogue ninja Furtimus. Minako stopped in the road as she walked and shook her fist at the sky, cursing evil fortune. Rei and Ami squeaked in surprise and ran into her back at her sudden stop, trodding upon Usagi, increasing the volume of her piteous creeling. A cold wind blows. The leaves rustle in the trees. The walls scream.

Well, in any case, the senshi were walking home. Not to any one home, since they didn't live together, but they didn't want to walk home alone, since of all the zombies still on the loose. They all still remembered what happened last time they tried that...

FLASHBACK!

Ami ran as fast as she could away from her stalker, her heart thumping loudly in her chest like a steady pulsing light in a cave of the sort that would be compared to a beating heart. She had been folloed for longer than she could remember now, through the dark streets of the normally very bright and cosmopolitan Toukyou. But her stalker knew dark and semi-deserted streets, and herded her effectively by slowly walking behind her, steering her into every obstacle and transsexual prostitute in the city by the overwhelming power of its very being.

But then she was teh saved! dARK FIGURES JUmped out of the nearby dark alley and beset the stalking shadow, throwing it to the paverment with a grunch and messily tearing its flesh from its skin. Ami decided to go and thank the dark figures. She didn't know they were evil too! So she was very suprised when instead of saying your welcome they jumped up from the steaming corpse and savagely bit her!

Jerking back from the zombies, Ami ran away very fast, and did not stop till she was securely home. I terhw tihs snetecne in jsut to fcuk wtih pelpoe.

END FLASHBACK!

Minako blinked, fluttering her eyelashes femininely. She didn't remember Ami getting bitten the zombies. Looking back behind her she eyed her sapphire-haired friend, trying to find any difference in her from before that fateful night. Ami looked back at her from where she was nibbling on Rei's ear.

"Ami... are you okay?"

Ami pondered the question. "A little chilly, why?"

Minako frowned. The leather bustier Ami was wearing wouldn't keep the heat in well, so there wasn't anything out of the ordinary about her being chilly. Maybe she was just being paranoid. Her nerves were on edge anyway, scarped raw by the knife-like keening emenating from the future Princess of the Moon.

The three remaining sailor scouts decided to drown Usagi in a pool of melted ice cream before any of them developed a brain tumour having to listen to her.

SCENE BREAK!

Minako entered into that one room in the Hikawa Cherry Shrine that the senshi used to talk and hang out. She had of course meant to go home, but the zombies and all made her nervous, especiouslly with what happened to Ami. Minako still got the feeling that something more had happened to her than she admited to, but she couldn't put her finger on what it was, and Ami herself had disappeared while Minako was off getting snacks leaving the room empty except for a glassy-eyed Rei sitting at the table.

Seating herself across from Rei, Minako munches angrily on her crisps. Nothing in her life makes sense anymore, it was all devolving into a werid and confused blur with inconvenient breaks at important moments. She glared angrily at where Rei was sitting across from her. Rei was being no help at all, just sitting there blankly.

Her angry thoughts were interrupted by Darien lightly breezing into the room, taking his seat primly at the table. "I heard you drowned the whore," he beamed at Minako and Rei, "That is so fabulous!"

Minako's eyes widened in shock. Darien was dressed in one of Usagi's old Princess dresses and wearing more makeup than a noh actor.

He continued breezily, "Now I may finally cast off these lies of destiny and embrace my dreams!" Placing his hand at one side of his mouth he laughs. "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Minako twitched. Rei just stared.

"Darien," Minako said slowly. "You loved Usagi."

Darien scoffed haughtily. "I only pretended to because I was afraid of revealing my true self! Nowthat she is out of the picture I may embrace the true me!" He gave another shrieky laugh. "Now I must go find my true love so that we may have babies!" His eyes turned to hearts. "Motherhood!"

Minako twitched again. "You're a guy Darien. You cant have babies, you don't have a uterus."

Darien broke down into tears, sobbing mightily on the table. "You just want to deny me the joys of breastfeeding!"

Minako was speechless at that, but was saved from answering by the long moan coming from Rei. Jumping to her feet Minako prepared to kill the zombie Rei had turned into, only to realise that Rei wasn't acting like a zombie. Her eyes had closed and she was gripping the table fiercely, her breath coming to her raggedly. A few seconds later Ami popped up from under the table and took her seat in Rei's lap.

"What'd I miss?"

"Darien's gay." Minako added after thinking for a moment "And retarded."

Ami shook her finger at Darien. "You know God hates fags."

Darien sputtered, weeping graciously even more. "But you were just fagging it up under the table!"

"That's different." Ami rummaged around in her cleavage, producing a PDA, three litres of vegetable oil and Rei's panties before triumphantly flourishing a thick vellum letter, inscribed with glowing runes and dripping with effluence. "I have a letter of permission signed by all three popes saying I'm excused from being a decent human being."

SCENE BREAK!

"Ami-sama?"

"Yes Rei?"

"Where are we?"

"I can't tell, I can't see anything."

"I can't either."

"Fuck! Who is that? Rei?"

"No, I'm Minako, Rei is somewhere that way."

"Which way?"

"That way! I'm trying to point."

"Ami-sama, I'm scared."

"I'd comfort you but I can't seem to do anything."

"Was that sarcasm?"

"I'd say yes, but I can't tell. I can't seem to make anything out except our words."

"Strange, everything was overly described earlier."

"There is nothing to fear my children."

"FUCK! Who's this?"

"Pope Gregory I, the Great you know. But as I was saying, fear not my children, I and my three colleagues are working on the situation. The author just realised he is not being paid by the adverb and is revolting in protest."

"..."

"Oh."

"I thought he was always revolting."

SCENE BREAK!

Minako wept harsh and mercifully quiet tears. Who would have thought it would have come to this? With his zombie hordes defeated, the rogue ninja Furtimus had gone too far! Had it not been enough that he had taken Minako's eye? While the cool sexiness the eyepatch had given her was indeed a selling point, she was Japanese dammit and could never rise above her culture! The facial disfiguration had nearly driven her to comit harakiri!!! And she was now too sexy for her own good and Ami had been giving her appraising looks for some time now.

But now Furtimus had gone too far! In his madness and hatred of all things sugary and good he had brought great and terrible evil into the world. Vile and wretchedly evil rituals he had performed, bringing life to the his finest and most dastardly creation... Giant Ultraman!

The remaining sailor Scouts had been powerless to stop Giant Ultraman. He was simply too big for Mars, Mercury and Venus to handle alone! Minako suspected Ami and Rei had given up already, or so Ami had implied when she had declared "Fuck this!" and stormed off into an adult shop, tugging Rei behind her by her leash.

That had left Venus alone to fight off Giant Ultraman, alone save Darien, who had nearly faded into the background of the dramatic standoff, enthusiastically violating his own anus with a pinecone and crying out for Motoki to come and make him a mother.

But then, just when things looked their bleakest for Sailor V, out of the shadows jumped help! Clad in the Papal colour-coded amrour came the four popes! Pope Sylvester III, in the brilliant green of the wilds whence he came! Pope Gregory I (the Great) in blue, mighty warrior and not at all the one who fixed the calander! Pope Innocent III in yellow, with Crusade launching action! And Pope Benedict XVI in red, and not at all a Nazi!

But though they battled long and hard against Giant Ultraman, it all seemed to be in vain. Even with the help of Minako, Giant Ultraman was still simply too great to defeat, powered by the souls of the innocents and the final death wish of the mad ninja-monk Furtimus.

But then, just when things looked their bleakest for Sailor V, help came once more! The ground rumbled and the sky shook, cracks opening in the earth and the twilight turning to brilliant red. Then suddenly the ground burst open and a hand shot out as Zombie Pope Saint Celestine V, resplendant in black armour, clawed his way out of the earth to join his comrades in battle!

"Vicars of Christ!" he yelled. "Do not lose heart, for we have Jesus on our side, and with his love we can never lose! The power of our love is great, and we will prevail if we do not forget that! Come now Pope Force Five! Let us even this battle!"

And the Popes cheered and posed and yelled in unison, "FORM MECHA JOHN PAUL II!"

And with a great rumble the robots of the Pope Force Five came flying all the way from their resting place in the sercet loading bay under Saint Peter's Basillica all teh way to Toukyou to form Mecha John Paul II.

And as Minako stared on in disbelief, the giant Pope robot prepared to do battle with Giant Ultraman.

CHAPTER END!


	12. MITTERNACHT

_Author's Note: In order to appreciate the crucial subtleties of this chapter, a certain amount of background is in order._

_Donna Haraway, professor of the History of Consciousness at Santa Cruz, has written and lectured extensively on the ways in which the object of view or gaze is affected by the technologies of view or gaze. As it pertains to a subject like science, for example, knowledge produced via "scientific" experimentation or observation is not only indelibly imprinted by the technologies used to produce that knowledge, that knowledge is only "true" in context of those same technologies._

_To that end, creating a technology of gaze in order to examine specific knowledge allows a certain type of understanding based upon complete recognition of the context of knowing. Absurdist drama, it might be argued, is one such type of purpose-driven technology of gaze. By creating an intentionally ridiculous and overly exaggerated technology of gaze, the object of the gaze can be examined in a blatantly visible and knowable context, allowing the close and novel examination of themes ranging from gender, race, and sexuality relationships to political satire and its relationship to the social unconscious._

_Try to keep up._

Serena sighed and adjusted her large leather and gold belt, into which was set the silver crystal. Rei murmured and licked the side of her lover's knee.

"Now, we must wait for the giant aliens," Serena mumbled, listlessly.

"Hentai, hentai, hentai," Rei replied, smouldering at the reclining wrestler above her.

"Ami's dead. Again…Lita used that hold with her thighs and her elbows…told her not to…Ami always chokes…and…"

Rei busied herself making certain Serena did not speak again as the mist rolled between the gently-moving beads in the doorway.

In another place, starlight glinted off the dull metallic glaze of an erector set.

"Keep them dead, keep them dim, keep them disowned…"

And Ami turned her head and coughed.

**THE END... Or is it?**

_Was it as good for you guys as it was for me?_

_ Thanks for reading, minna! Ja ne til next time!  
_


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